I was sitting in my dark room, eyes fixated on my laptop in search for something to entertain me. I skimmed through numerous forums on the internet to find something to do for fun when I found a particularly interesting thread on a forum about TV shows and cartoons. The thread was dedicated to a show I’ve completely forgotten about: Cousin Skeeter.
For those unaware, Cousin Skeeter was a live action comedy series about a boy named Bobby whose cousin, the titular character Skeeter, was a puppet. When I saw the name appear on the thread’s title, a huge wave of nostalgia hit me and I immediately scoured the internet for episodes of the show. Unfortunately, I could not find much of any sites that host such episodes, so I turned to the one place that I never expected to look: The Deep Web.
The Deep Web, for any readers who don’t know what it is, is essentially the hidden part of the internet that you will be unable to find with normal browsers such as Yahoo or Google. In order to access it, you must use softwares such as Tor. For the most part, the Deep Web is used by criminals to perform illegal activities such as drug trafficking, hitman hiring, and much, much worse. However, I’m not accessing the Deep Web for drugs, hitmen, or illegal pornography. I’m only on the Deep Web for one thing: Some goddamn Cousin Skeeter.
After a few hours of searching, I finally found what appeared to be a Pirate Bay-esque site that hosted a download for the entire series, every 52 episodes in beautiful HD format. I click the large green DOWNLOAD button with glee, and a small message popped up on my laptop screen that read: “Would you like to download videoxxxavi.exe?”
I clicked “yes”.
I kept myself from leaping in joy as I watch the file quickly download, my happiness quickly fades to fear and regret as my laptop makes a loud screech and crashes. No matter what I did, I could not turn the piece of shit back on as I slowly realize that I must of download some sort of virus.
I sigh depressingly as I slump to my attic, crawling to the darkest corner and crying, just like I did back in my childhood whenever my parents yelled at me for no reason. I sat there and laid next to an old box as I begin to think about whether or not life means anything, thoughts about my supposed relevance to anyone’s lives begin to fog my head. I try to distract myself by looking through the old box, looking for a reason to not feel so down.
That’s when I found it. Inside the box, lying on top of all the useless junk, was a slim DVD case with no jacket cover on it. I took it out, puzzled, and open it. Inside was a DVD-R, on the face of it, written in bold red, chisel-tipped Sharpie brand permanent marker was “COUSIN SKEETER EPISODE #53”. When I saw this, I shit bricks.
After going to the hospital to make sure my asshole wouldn’t gap for the rest of my life, I quickly walked up to the attic to get the DVD. It shouldn't be such a surprise to me that bricks going through your rectum would hurt like hell in retrospect, but it was still pretty damn surprising. Anyways, I took the disc and stared at it, trying to figure out exactly why it was there in my attic. Surely, my parents had nothing to do with the production of the show, and I dont know anybody else who would. Unless…
That’s when I remember the horrid day. My mom’s sister, who is my aunt, who is also my dad’s sister-in-law, used to work for NIckelodeon back when the show was still in production and aired. I won’t say her name for reasons, but she came in back when they began working on the fourth season of the show, which would later never happen. She, along with her co-workers, began working on episode 53 when a bunch of evil crack head communists (I think, I don’t remember) broke into the building and brutally killed everyone in site, no mercy to be found in their eyes. I remember the day my mom told me, It was so upsetting, I must of forced myself to forget about the whole incident.
But who gives a shit? I have an unreleased episode of Cousin Skeeter in my hands! I ran to my living room and punched the disc inside my Xbox One, excitingly waiting for the episode to begin.
The breath taking theme song began, showing the famous Skeeter himself pimpin hoes in the club while Bobby dances along to the theme tune. Man, I forgot how badass Skeeter looked in that shiny silver tuxedo. What a pussy magnet, that guy is. Watching the intro alone made me feel happy, which in turn made me even more excited to get to the actual episode.
The episode started in Bobby’s room. He was lying on his bed, reading a magazine when Skeeter walked up to him. He started to talk in a monotone drone, “Bobby, We need to talk.”
Bobby got up, looking somewhat concerned. “What’s wrong, Skeeter?”
Skeeter sighed, and looked up to the wall. “Look, I can’t live here anymore”
Shocked, Bobby replied, “Why? What happened.”
Skeeter looked down, almost shamefully. He then turned to Bobby, “I got a girl pregnate.”
Bobby give him a long, disappointed look. “Dammit Skeeter, why? You know you can’t raise a family! You’re too busy pimpin’ too”
“That’s just it. I’m ending my career in being the baddest man who ever lived.”
Bobby stared in shock just like me. How could this happen? The subject of unexpected pregnancy was way too adult for the young audience this show was aimed for. I continued to watch, Skeeter now got up and looked out the window in a calm manner.
“When I was younger, Bobby, I thought I could do anything. That I could take on the whole world. I thought that if something like this would happen, I could just run away and still be free.”
A small tear could be seen on Skeeter’s face. Bobby sat there on his bed, still stunned at what he’s hearing. Skeeter continued.
“I was naive, but what I never realized was that the world simply didn’t revolved around me. I never even thought about how much my actions could affect the way I lived.”
He paused, and there was a long, uncomfortable silence in the room.
“But now, I realized that I have to grow up, and that I have to take responsibility for my actions, especially now that I’m going to have a child of my own.”
Bobby got up and walked to Skeeter, “Skeeter, I.. I just dont know what to say. What are you gonna do now?”
Skeeter looked up to him, “I already applied for a job at Stater Bros. It’s not much, sadly, but it’s all I can get.”
“But where are you going to live?”
“My girl, she owns an apartment at that one complex-”
“But that place is located down at Wilson street! You know how dangerous it is down there!”
“It’s all we have. Either that, or we live with you and your parents, but I can’t just do that to you."
Bobby bites his lip, a mixture of confusion and frustration on his face. He tried to speak, but all that he could respond with where stutters. Skeeter gave him a hug.
“Thanks for all the help, man”, tears where visible on his face.
“Don’t thank me, thank you”, Bobby smiled optimistically.
Skeeter left the room as Bobby sat next to his window, and the episode abruptly ends. I sat there on my couch, jaws to the floor at what I just saw. I took the disc out of my Xbox and snapped it in half.
“That was horseshit!” I screamed to myself. The pacing was off, the acting was cringe worthy, and the overall plot was downright dumb. That would've made the perfect closer for the series, for it would of easily killed it right then and there.
I stomped around the room, throwing stuff left to right. I took a picture of my parents and smashed it against the TV screen, instantly breaking both. I jumped up and down on my coffee table until the legs broke. I did this until my neighbors called to cops on me, thinking that someone was being murdered from my screams of anguish.
That was two months ago. My laptop is still fucked up, and I havn’t found a new TV screen to replace the one I broke. I am at my local library, using the computers to write this document that you are reading. The disc is broken, so more likely than not you’ll never be able to see the episode yourself, but if you ever do find it, don’t watch it, it’s complete ass.